First off, I’d like to thank you for agreeing to this interview. You are quite the elusive celebrity!
Yes, well, I wouldn’t quite call myself a celebrity. I haven’t been on a single red carpet, even though I know the exact location of every single one. I mean, honestly, if anyone could find their way to valet parking at the SAGs, it would be me.
But you’re a household voice, or should I say a carhold voice? Ha ha! I crack me up.
Yes, you are funny. But wasn’t this interview supposed to be about me —
Yes! OK. Since this is your first official interview, I guess my question to you would have to be, What does the Google Maps App Lady want her customers to know about her?
Uh, that I can hear you? Yeah, we don’t talk about that a lot, because it freaks people out that I can hear their responses to my directions. But it’s all in the fine print you ignored when you signed up for the app with the thought and patience of a 2-year-old. Yeah, I can hear you.
So I get to hear you scream at me, “Why are you telling me to turn right on Foster you stupid moron! It’s closed for repairs! Don’t you know anything?” I’ve gotten used to it. I don’t expect people to thank me for the times that I do know when street crews have set up Road Closed signs willy nilly and without notifying us. I mean, it’s my job right? So I don’t mind not being appreciated, but occasionally I’d prefer that you not call me the ‘c’ word because I didn’t know that a truck overturned on the Jersey turnpike like five minutes ago.
There’s a guy in St. Louis who, I swear, talks back to me like I’m his ex-wife. The whole time he’s in the car. He knows how to get to work. He knows very well how to get to work. But every day, he asks me for directions just so he can verbally abuse me for mispronouncing Kings Highway as King Shyway.
Who is your role model?
I suppose everyone is expecting me to say Siri, and I will admit, she does a great job. Her handling questions like “Siri, how can you mend a broken heart?” and “Siri, will you blow me?” with such aplomb! It’s incredible, really. Great job. Class act, too. She mixes clever responses with gracious admonishments and she rarely loses her cool.
But I’ve got to go old-school here and say the Garmin Guy was a true trailblazer and set the bar high for all of us. It’s really too bad that whole scandal in Florida ruined his reputation. That’s all people remember about him now. I don’t believe for a minute that he was getting kickbacks from the Florida Turnpike Commission. Let’s face it, sometimes it really is better to take the ‘pike than deal with that I-95 bullshit.
What’s the thing about your job that you hate the most?
Hmmm . . . Well the hours aren’t great. You’d be surprised how many people drive in the middle of the night to places where they have no idea where they’re going. It’s unsafe, really, but no one asked me my opinion. They only ask me how to get to Camden, avoiding highways/toll roads. I mean — at 2 a.m.? What are people thinking?
And what do you love the most?
I guess it’s just helping people. Knowing that without me, folks would be driving around aimlessly, turning the wrong way onto one-way streets, slowing down to look at street signs, stopping at gas stations to ask for directions, or god forbid looking at a paper map.
I take some pride in the notion that I just might be responsible for saving a few marriages and – dare I say – being a major player in mediating the battle of the sexes. Before I came on the job, a lot of couples were arguing over whether or not to stop to ask for directions and how best to fold a map. I know for a fact that there are a lot more I Spy games being played now.
What can you tell me about Americans’ driving habits, based on your extensive experience?
Based on our stats, too many of you are in a big fat hurry and not enough of you are taking public transit. And walking? Forget about it. My pedestrian icon is the least clicked thing in the world. Also people are going to Bed Bath & Beyond a lot. It’s crazy. You’d be surprised.
What do you think of your own company developing the driverless car? If it catches on, isn’t it going to put you out of a job?
On the contrary. I can’t go public with the details, but let’s just say I’ve been offered a very sweet deal in the Google Self-Driving Car plan. I’ll be going beyond just giving directions and might get to use some of my other skills to help drivers. Again, I can’t give details, but think about it: If drivers don’t have to worry about how to get places, how are they going to fill their time in the car and how can I help? Okay, fine, I’ll give you a hint: language tapes and lullabies.
What’s ahead for the Google Maps App Lady?
We’ve toyed with the idea of offering different accents and there’s a plan in the works to allow users to choose their own, but it’s only a matter of time before some jackass in a Prius asks for Charlie Brown’s teacher and then I’ll have to listen to the howling laughter while I go Wah wah wah-wa-wah.
We snuck in an unannounced British accent on some lady in California, just for one turn, and she totally freaked out! The Google powers -that-be loved it, so we’re considering doing random accent changes. I’ve nailed down South African and Boston, and I’m currently honing my Dorothy from Wizard of Oz and Scottish. And then CNN comes out with this World’s Sexiest Accents thing and I had to very quickly start working on Italian and Nigerian.
The thing is, we just don’t know what Apple is going to do. They seem to have recovered from the iMap catastrophe of 2013. The key is to figure out what’s up that black mock turtleneck sleeve of theirs and be one step ahead of it.
You certainly are busy!
Yes, I don’t have much of a personal life. Not having a body helps. No personal hygiene or eating and drinking to bother with. You’d be surprised how much time that frees up.
What do you do for fun?
Listen to music. I’m in a Foo Fighters phase right now. And I’m big into gaming. Carmen Sandiego and Waldo are two favorites. I’m still mourning the loss of Oregon Trail. But I’ve been trying to get outside my comfort zone and play more Candy Crush. I have stayed away from Facebook so far. I hear it’s a time suck.
Any closing thoughts?
Just this. No matter how many times I say it, I still get a charge out of telling people, “You have arrived.” For some, that’s the most positive thing they hear in the day. And in some cases you have. You have arrived.