Attention all American men: The jig is up. We’re onto you. We know you’re capable of doing much more than you’ve been doing for the past 700 years. We’re sick of your whining about having to work and change the baby’s diaper; work and grill up a couple of burgers on a weekend; work and go to your mother-in-law’s 70th birthday party. In a clean shirt. We know you can do it, so stop lying.
This illumination is all due to our new role model, Barack Obama, who has invented the New American Male – the multi-tasking, good lookin’ man. This guy represents All That You Can Be to blacks, whites, half-blacks, half whites, Hawaiians, children of single moms, senators, Harvard Law Review editors, tall people, Camel Lights smokers, people who have appeared dancing on Ellen, and – the largest demographic of them all – men.
It’s a lot of weight to carry on one set of shoulders, but he seems to be not only doing it, but giving all you guys a “nyah, nyah” in his spare time (while attending his daughter’s parent teacher conference and fighting crime). I’m surprised he got a single vote from a Y chromosome. He’s kicking the shit out of you guys.
Here’s just a small list of the claims you can’t make anymore now that Barack Obama started showing how it’s done:
1. Not being able to wear your good suit anymore because you’ve been eating too much starchy banquet food “for work” and you don’t have time to lose any weight. Barack is not too busy to look suave and dapper at all hours of the day and night.
2. Having a job that is so unbelievably important that no one else can go to that meeting that is set in stone by your administrative assistant, causing you to miss every single piano recital and strings concert for 12 years. Barack doesn’t let any underling tell him what his priorities are and his underlings are pretty much everyone in the free world.
3. Having that low self-esteem that goes all the way back to Eve harping at Adam to ‘just take a bite and shut up already’ and not wanting to fawn over your wife and make her look better than you. If Barack looks at Michelle with any more love in his eyes, her clothes are going to fall off.
4. Not being able to go to the kids’ soccer games because “it’s not like they’re going to be professional soccer players or anything.” Barack stands on the sidelines with the other parents and only yells encouraging things like “Go Sasha! Come on, Malia, you can do it, sweetheart!” No damns, shits or hells, no wife beater t-shirts with liquor logos on them, and no smoking. And he leaves his Blackberry in the car.
5. Not having the energy to go to New York and take your wife to a Broadway play on a Friday night. Barack’s day was pretty busy, too, I think, and he managed to take Michelle to dinner and to a play she wanted to see. It was on his list of Things to Do Friday right under “Pick a lane on Guantanamo” and “Pick a Supreme Court Justice.”
I bet this guy even orders the Saturday movie night pizza, puts away the cereal box when he’s done with it, and returns the toilet seat to a more unisex-friendly position.
Is this guy Mr. Perfect or what?
From this point on, single guys are going to have to be a lot more like Barack Obama if they want to play the field at all. We know there are more like him out there and we’re not going to stop looking until we find them all, tag them, and get them married to all the nice girls.
As for the rest of you, you’re going to have to work a little bit harder to be more like Barack.
Can you have a high profile job and still cast admiring glances at your wife out in public, even when she really should not have worn that belt up so high?
Can you find 30 minutes four days a week to go to the gym and work out without boring us to tears with how bad your calves hurt and how thirsty you are?
Can you remember what grades your children are in and in what direction the pick-up line at school goes?
Can you read a bedtime story to your kids that isn’t The Modern Fundamentals of Golf?
Can you be more like Barack Obama?
Yes you can.