I got a Christmas card returned as Undeliverable by the U.S. Postal Service yesterday. Yesterday, as in the second week of March. As in I’m a third of the way through the bottle of perfume my husband bought me. As in the leftover turkey and ham are long gone from the freezer, having been casseroled […]
just humor me
A Letter to My Cousin’s Husband, Bob, Who is a Dentist
Dear Bob, Don’t be alarmed that I’m writing a letter to you. You aren’t being visited by a 19th century Pride and Prejudice character. It’s just me, your wife’s cousin. I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately, because I’ve been taking care of some dentistry problems. Nothing serious, just your average everyday stuff that […]
Who Needs the President at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner?
So. President Donald Trump is skipping the White House Correspondents’ Dinner this year. People, let’s just all calm down, and that includes you Samantha “I’ll Put on My Own Dinner” Bee. This is not a huge deal. If this were high school, the class president would be refusing to attend the Chess Club Banquet. His […]
Kellyanne, Call Your Mother. I Know How She Worries
Having the last name Fitzpatrick is interesting. It’s different enough that you remember it, but just common enough that you can share a name with a good number of people. And with a first name with those same qualities, it was only a matter of time before someone in the news was named Diane Fitzpatrick. […]
Saving Face on Vacation
I know a few people who are in the skin care and beauty biz and I have a request: Can you come up with a cream or something that takes away Vacation Face and Travel Body? It’s a real 21st century problem. The first person who invents something that when you look in a hotel […]
Party at Facebook! RSVP at STFU
This is going to be a long metaphor, so you’re going to have to use your imagination. The last time I tried to go all Kafka on this blog, I wrote about the squeaky wheel on the right side of my car (get it?) and I had people recommending their mechanics. I’ll never make it […]