Diane Laney Fitzpatrick

writer, blogger, crafty woman

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Party at Facebook! RSVP at STFU

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This is going to be a long metaphor, so you’re going to have to use your imagination. The last time I tried to go all Kafka on this blog, I wrote about the squeaky wheel on the right side of my car (get it?) and I had people recommending their mechanics. I’ll never make it as a political commentator, but my car purrs like a kitten.

I swear I could write a whole book about Facebook and how it’s misused and misunderstood. Now that everyone and his Great-Aunt Christine owns a piece of it, you have too many people with too many opinions about how it should be used and more importantly how other people aren’t doing it right.   Everyone thinks Zuckerberg is on a fainting couch in a gold paneled ballroom eating peeled grapes and counting his stacks of five-hundred-dollar bills, but I think he’s curled up in his mawmaw’s house mewling, “But it was supposed to be just for the Harvard kids!”

Facebook has become a cacophony of personalities, judgements, bragging, accusations of bragging, name calling, accusations of name calling, one-upmanship and the cattiest behavior since sixth grade. Remember radio dials? When you could turn the knob, running through all the channels so quickly that none of it made sense? Facebook is like that except after the first run-through the radio picks up and hurls itself through the china cabinet. [Read more…] about Party at Facebook! RSVP at STFU

Facebook for 50 and More Over: The Sequel

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Last January, I posted 10 tips for those 50 and over who are on Facebook. Facebook for 50 and Over, hit home for many of my friends. But it’s a testament to how fast Facebook is speeding toward its destiny (its destiny of world domination and best YouTube traffic generator) that it was outdated less than a year after I wrote it.

For instance, in Facebook for 50 and Over, I talked about pokes. Are pokes even on Facebook anymore? Well, I did a little poking around (ha ha *snort*) and I discovered that pokes are still with us, but I doubt they are ever used. It’s amazing that they survived Black Death Hell September 2011, when Facebook changes drove hundreds of people to suicidal thoughts and drug therapy. But there they are, hidden under the arrow next to the cogwheel, which is only visible if you’re on the page of the person you want to poke. See? Improvements.

Here are six more tips for the oldster on Facebook:

1. Stop Complaining.

We all agree that Facebook is evil incarnate for a) selling our private information so that advertisers can stalk us in the most cyber-creepy way, b) not bowing to pressure to create a dislike button, c) constantly changing, and d) not giving a rat’s ass how we would run Facebook if we had had the foresight to invent a world-changing social media.

The constant changing, improving and tweaking may indeed drive you bat-shit crazy, but please try to stop being so whiny. Sure, Facebook knows that we 50-plus-ers are going to be its bread and butter well after younger, hipper people find something else. And they are aware that we don’t handle change very well. (People my age didn’t handle it well when their IBM Selectrics were carted off and replaced with those giant computers, either. But they survived.) They are not going to stop changing Facebook. I repeat: They are NOT going to stop making changes to Facebook. Try to keep up.

2. Not to be a grammar nerd, but I’m going to have to say something about spelling and punctuation.

No, you don’t have to be self-conscious about your horrible English. That is, unless you post Michael Savage quotes about illegals who have the nerve to not study the English language and then, yes, you better dust off that Strunk & White. (I wasn’t going to say anything, but some of you are making our Guatemalan lawn workers sound like Edwin Newman.)

Leaving out punctuation, which seems to be a common Facebook thing to do, can cause misunderstanding and also people will hate to read your posts. I’ve sometimes had to read a post three times, once aloud, to figure out what the point is. LOL Krissy are you back if your down this way give us a shout just recovered from sunday night out with ray tomorrow. That’s just too much work for what little information I’m getting. A couple of commas and a semicolon wouldn’t kill you.

But as long as you are willing to take the risks, don’t worry too, too much about grammar on Facebook. With one exception: Be sure to get your own name right. I keep seeing a friend suggestion for a guy I went to high school with who didn’t capitalize his own first name. Unless you’re a beat poet or an artist living in the Village, if you see that you screwed up your own name, remember: You can fix it. So fix it. Now. Because no one wants to be your friend if they think you were so disinterested that you didn’t even hit the right keys when typing your own name.

3. Be the few, the proud, the 3 percent.

Younger, shallower Facebookers will steadily pelt you with sulky taunts. “Put this on your profile for at least one hour today. 97 percent of you won’t do it, but I think I know which of my friends will.” They don’t really know which of their friends will post it. They’re not even going to check. They’re just saying that. Remember, it’s not like refusing to throw a buck into the hat for a birthday gift for a co-worker or funeral flowers. This is not a moment where you have to think about your image or what people will think of you. It’s more like getting that cheesy junk mail from the FOP with pictures of crippled kids on the front of the envelope, trying to make you feel ashamed to use the complimentary address labels or the nickel taped to a card if you don’t send them $50. You don’t fall for that, so don’t fall for Facebook extortion.

My Facebook friends probably don’t know that I actually am against middle school bullying, cancer and terrorism, and I do support autistic kids, mothers who have lost their children, soldiers and Jesus. I just don’t feel obligated to use my Facebook page to announce it. If you start reposting everything that you’re shamed into reposting, you’ll soon find out that there are a lot more diseases and levels of human misery than you can imagine. You’ll be working overtime just keeping up with Facebook repostings. Set a precedent early by not reposting anything, no matter how much you support it.  Be strong. It gets easier.

4. Contain your joy over Battle Blitz, Empires & Allies, and Slots.

In two months, replace the names of the above games with whatever are the hot Facebook games. And then two months after that, replace them again.  If I had been writing this last month, I would have used Mafia Wars, Farmville and Bejeweled Blitz.

I’m not saying don’t play these games. Games are fun and purposeful. Ever since A Beautiful Mind, I stopped feeling guilty about games I play. If a brainiac like John Nash can devote his life to the mathematics of gaming, who am I not to play hours of Tetris every day?

Play away! But resist the urge to send all of your friends invitations to join you. We know it’s a blast. We know how you get into it and it’s a cheap, non-alcoholic way to unwind. We know you’ve made lots of friends because of it. But if we wanted to play, we would play. We wouldn’t wait for an invitation.

When I joined Facebook in 2008, I did Pieces of Flair, Bumper Stickers, Hugs, some Christmas ornament thing, and Lil’ Green Patch. I actually experienced some angst over letting my lil’ green patch go to seed. I felt terrible. But it was too much like those Tamagotchi pets my kids had, where I was feeding and cleaning up after things that weren’t real. I was more worried about the squirrels in my lil’ green patch than I was with whatever was eating the avocados on the real tree in my real yard in my real life. Games are great, but they’re not for everyone. Respect that some of us are too busy playing Words with Friends on our phones.

5. Learn and memorize the consequences to letting your freak flag fly.

“Where did all these conservatives come from?” my friend Jim said, marveling at the political opinions of people he thought he knew from our hometown.

If you’re on Facebook you really should show your true colors, but be able to back them up, because sure as shootin’ there is at least one person who will disagree with you. Like writing a break-up letter, when you write a rant on Facebook, let it sit there a while before you hit “Post.”

If you have an extreme viewpoint (and you probably do), keep it on your own page. If you’re a wacky liberal and one of your friends posts something from birthers.org on his own page, let it go. It’s his house. If he comes over to your page with that shit, you are welcome to go all Samuel L. Jackson on him. And vice versa.

6. It counts.

Facebook is now an acceptable method for:

  • thank-you notes
  • party invitations
  • engagement announcements
  • engagement break-offs
  • telling your husband that you’re going to be late for dinner
  • finding a Realtor

In other words, doing it on Facebook makes it count now. This isn’t just some toy-of-the-month, people. Facebook is serious stuff. I know two relationships that are the result of Facebook romances, so it can change your life.

So have fun with it, but don’t screw it up. But no pressure.

The Linked In Crowd

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Occasionally I drag myself away from social networking sites and enter the dark, paneled walls of Linked In, the not-so-social networking site that paved the way for its predecessors. Linked In is like the older, nerdier cousin who shows up at the family reunion in Farah slacks and a bow tie, and talks about his 401k

Who needs him?

Lots of people, actually. Even I, unemployed and unimpressed with the business world as a whole, am convinced that I need to do some business networking. I’m not sure why, but I just do.

On Linked In, I have contacts that are a mishmash of friends, former co-workers, relatives, and fellow freelance Web writers. And President Barack Obama.

Last week I was checking in on my Linked In party, which is always well behaved and dressed conservatively, and where there’s just enough wine to allow a good time. Unlike my Facebook party, which is a co-mingling of several different in-crowds, there’s a lot of drinking, confessing, and you can count on a few hook-ups. And unlike my Google+ party, which is like a support group for a problem that hardly anyone has yet, but you’re sure it will catch on any day now. (Great refreshments, but no music and everyone is shy.)

Scrolling through my contacts’ updates, I saw that Barack has an updated profile and specifically that he added something under “Expertise.” I expected to see “Sat through record number of meetings with nameless bureaucrats”  or “Got John Boehner to cry again” or “Killed another terrorist. Huzzah!” But instead, it was a little three-paragraph pep talk to supporters that started out, “We’ve accomplished a lot over the last three years – but our work is far from done.”

Barack is the only famous person with whom I’m connected on Linked In. But if you wanted to, you could link in with tons of famous people. Did you know this? Now you do.

Just like non-famous people, the famous people vary greatly in how into Linked In they are. John McCain still lists his occupation as Candidate for the President of the United States. I had heard he was putting all of his eggs in the My Space basket.

Sarah Palin’s profile starts out with this: “My fellow Americans, come join our cause. Join our cause and help our country to elect a great man the next president of the United States. And I thank you, and I – – God bless you, I say, and God bless America. Thank you.”  You’re quite welcome.

Sarah Palin’s “specialities” include Attacking business as usual, oil companies, Good Old Boy Networks, Government waste, Earmarks, and Pork Barrels. Strong experience within the executive branch of government.

She’s got four recommendations. One from Kurt J. M, whose recommendation ends with “Never forget 9-11!” Patrick M, an at-large delegate from Ohio to the GOP convention in ’08, says, “She speaks well. I heard her speak at the convention and in subsequent interviews.” Traci Gregory’s recommendation says, “Embrace her!”

I could go on and on about Sarah Palin’s Linked In page, but then I would run out of room to talk about other people. Like Hillary Clinton’s Linked In page, which hasn’t been updated since she became Secretary of State. Busy policing the world, are we?

Who else can we look up?

Kevin Bacon describes his job like this: “I am an American film and theatre actor who has starred in Footloose, Stir of Echoes, Wild Things, JFK, and Apollo 13, among others . . . I have always been forthcoming about my lack of professional self-confidence, but I have never let it stop me from delivering powerful performances.”

Owen Wilson only has 10 connections.

Lindsay Lohan, actress at n/a says, “I say too much sometimes, but I’m honest, that’s the important thing. It’s hard in L.A. not to go out, it gets lonely. Being an actress is lonely and I never want to be alone.”

Robert Downey Jr., recommends Rick C, who is a South African city councillor, airline pilot, bounty hunter, private investigator and corporate CEO. “Rick, I don’t know what else to say but thank you, thank you. You have been a great friend.”  

Charlie Sheen still lists his job as “Winner at Life.” And then he posts his most insane, sad quotes. Charlie recommends 27 people, including Jamie B., a public sector sales director at Softcat Ltd. “Jamie is winning at life. Nuff said!”

Tom Hanks’ profile is as serious as a heart attack, including a neat list of everything he’s been in, including a 1980 episode of The Love Boat.

Bill Gates tells us his interests are “tennis, reading and bridge.”

Jeff Weiner, CEO of Linked In, has recommendations out the yahoo. He updates frequently, likes others’ updates, and seems to be the only person in America who has figured out how to post a video on Linked In.

Rush Limbaugh has one connection. (Satan? Or God? Discuss.)

Newt Gingrich lists his interests as “reading, writing, visiting zoos, travel, history (especially the Civil War and World War II, dinosaurs and animals.”

I know what you’re thinking: These are fake Linked In profiles and were not set up by the people they claim to be. Sure, some are bogus, like the one for “Mrs. Kim Kardashian” which toggles back and forth between the first-person and third-person. Suspicious and slimy-creepy in a stalker fan kind of way.

The fact that the Linked In powers-that-be allow impostors to open Linked In accounts in the names of the rich and famous is an issue. Just recently blogger Ash Nalawalla (presumably his real name) complained that he brought some bogus profiles to the attention of Linked In and nothing was done about it.  His examples ranged from finding someone who claimed to work for his company but who doesn’t, to the hilarious 3Some Sex, CEO at “I wanna share your bedroom,” which is listed as a utility.

Ash suggested his readers do an Advanced Search for words like Marketing, Nigeria, Dickhead and “any swear words you know” and you’ll be surprised at what Linked In allows.

I took him up on his offer, specifically the dickhead one, and found a surprising number of people who have the name or job description dickhead. Thirty-five to be exact. Chief Dickhead at Dickhead,  Dickhead at MySefl (sic), Ura Dickhead, and Doctor at Dickhead.com, just to name a few.

In early 2009 there was a nasty virus in which some fake celebrity Linked In accounts were actually malware. Hint: If you’re on Salma Hayek’s Linked In page and she offers to link you to naked pictures of herself, you might want to rethink that click.

I’ll stick with Barack as my one and only famous Linked In connection. He’s unlikely to recommend me or view my resume, but I have as good a chance as any of his other 500+ connections to having him show up at my Linked In party. I hear he likes a dry chardonnay.

Big Brother is Watching. Get Over It.

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A lot of people seem to be all up in arms about privacy and how we don’t have it anymore. It seems like almost every day, I’m alerted to the fact that Facebook is stealing my  info/identity/photos/soul and using them for evil and profit.

I don’t care much. I know, I know, I am just like my son, Jack, who blogged recently that he’s not bothered by the revelation that he is being tracked by his own iPhone. He posted a map of all the places he’s been in the past year, carefully pinned by Apple, and he said he doesn’t mind that his privacy is being stormed by a corporate giant, or that everyone now knows he got lost looking for the oral surgeon’s office last winter and, according to the map, drove like a drunken fly all over south Florida. He was taken to task by an online commenter who was extremely upset that Jack was not more upset about Big Brother. He called my son a liberal Nazi. (I’m not even sure what that means, but I don’t think he meant those two things cancel each other out.)

I love when people get mad about other people not getting mad enough. If I’m speeding up my own death because of worry and anger, it’s not fair that you aren’t, too!

What’s to be upset about? If Apple wants to track me back and forth to the grocery store and Panera, have at it, media giant. And don’t tell me there’s a larger issue here, one of privacy and freedom and individual rights. I know that. Don’t think I don’t know that.

People who freak out about their email addresses being posted on Facebook remind me of this guy who used to show up at public meetings in the ‘80s in Ohio. He was a budding conspiracy theorist who was forever getting up at public forums and yelling that the government was taking over our lives. During one hearing he claimed that enhanced 911 instant address notification was just a way for the “government to get our phone numbers.”

I think it was a county commissioner who said, “Uh, sir, the government already has your phone number. Shoot, I even have your phone number.”

I continue to be fascinated by how much The Man knows about me and that he even cares. I’m slightly flattered when an ad shows up on my Facebook page for something that I was just thinking of buying. Creepy, yes. But also useful.

And entertaining. Sometimes when I’m looking for a diversion between Facebook posts (don’t want people to think I have nothing better to do than update my status every 15 minutes) I look at the Google Analytics for this blog. Did you know that when you type in keywords into a search engine, it’s reported to the person who maintains the site where you eventually end up.

Because of The Man and non-governmental privacy invasion, I know that people have gotten to my blog using the following keywords:

  • bachelors beans barney and beany
  • can i bring a craft show tent to the infield at the kentucky derby
  • can you change it from “so and so just poked you” to something you wanna say?
  • cars disney snot rod christmas
  • chinese verson song i can still remember lyric
  • do starletts wear pantyhose anymore
  • does everyone have hair growing from corner of eye
  • does lexington legends games sell beer
  • how messy are normal peoples homes
  • leave it to beaver & outdoor grilling
  • le leche league militant bitches
  • mall easter bunny overheat
  • mammogram run car 10 humor list
  • man eat
  • movies putting on whalebone girtles
  • my husband likes my square dance dress
  • old ugly toenail picture
  • once you mentally get over a fear of flying, what is next
  • pictures of people with lots of toes
  • skype skype me grandma
  • what if you really have something to cry about?
  • what i’m wearing underneath my jeans is none of your business, mister
  • what wearing pantyhose means
  • what would be a reason for approaching a sharp curve slowly
  • where is michael caine that used to play on then came bronson
  • where is needle placed when nose is numbed to remove a wart
  • who block me

I actually have blogged about all these topics in one way or another, so they rightly ended up on my site. (Except for cars disney snot rod christmas. I have no idea where that came from.) Knowing what people searched for in the privacy of their own homes or offices, I feel like I’m eavesdropping on strangers.

I even the score by using my real name in my blog and not giving nicknames or false identities to my family. If you want to look up my phone number and find out how many times I went to Panera last month, knock yourself out. Call me if you want to. But don’t call me a liberal Nazi.

Twitter, Go to the Head of the Class

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I’m glad to see that Twitter got some love this week. It wasn’t looking good, when it was announced that the royal wedding would not be live-Tweeted and that an actor in the Facebook movie The Social Network, Armie Hammer’s grandfather personally knew Prince Charles.

Facebook 1   Twitter 0

But then Osama bin Laden got whacked and Twitter got pushed to the front of the social network line, thanks to a neighbor guy who was up late, bored out of his skull, and itching to use his fly-swatter references.

Facebook 1   Twitter Infinity

I’m happy for Twitter, but I’m still not a huge fan. I don’t like #s and RTs and I only barely tolerate @s. Plus Twitter is based solely on mutual back-scratching: Unless you’re famous and funny, no one really reads your tweets. They only follow you so that you’ll follow them. Everyone’s posting and counting followers and no one’s reading. I’d be kidding myself if I thought that PetGroomerie really gives a rat’s ass about me. He follows 1,328 people, a motley crew of personal trainers, singers, marketing execs and a self-proclaimed “guy with a desk.” And me. I’m going to have to tweet the next coming of Jesus to stand out among his followees.

Isn’t it funny that the guy who accidentally Tweeted the raid on Osama bin Laden’s house, Sohaib Athar, now has 102,916 followers? (Woop, just checked again and it’s now up to 103,391.) The raid only took 40 minutes and now he just lives in a regular neighborhood with a mansion that is screwing with the property values. By the time we knew who we should be following, we were left with the scraps. Give him some credit, Athar is really scrambling to make it worth your while – Yesterday he posted a cell-phone photo of a rabbit with this comment: “A guy who used to live in la Den gave this bunny (two in fact) to a neighborhood kid.”

LinkedIn was watching from the sidelines and said, Hey, we can play at this game, too. We’re important! We’re relevant!  On today’s LinkedIn home page was this headline: WHOOPS: HP Exec Spills Huge Company Secret on LinkedIn Profile. But it was just something about cloud computing and block storage, which put me in a boredom coma before I was through the third paragraph. That’s just sad.

Facebook 1   Twitter Infinity   LinkedIn -3

And then there’s MySpace. Whoever took over for Tom appears to have had his headphones on while the world was being turned upside down. The MySpace home page features a photo of Will Ferrell kissing a man, Chris Brown, and Saoirse Ronan (Who? “She just nabbed the lead in a Stephanie Meyer’s [sic] movie.” OK, again, Who?) MySpace tells me to “get your dance on!” What’s Trending? Lindsay Lohan, Justin Beiber, Thor, and Conan O’Brien’s Beard. Breaker breaker, whoever runs MySpace, wake up and pick up a newspaper.

Facebook 1    Twitter Infinity    LinkedIn -3    MySpace …Who?

Facebook for Fifty and Over

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As Facebook claws its way to the top spot in our list of things we love, more and more people my age are succumbing. Almost every day, someone from my demographic gets a Facebook page (That would be the demographic Old Person.)

Because its been on a high-speed growth spurt since it was created, Facebook is not easy to pick up, especially for those of us 50 and older. (We have a hard time learning languages and musical instruments, too, remember.) I think some lessons are in order just to save us from embarrassment. I’ve convinced my kids and their high school and college friends that I’m hip enough to be their friend, but if you keep jabbering on about the ‘70s, you’re going to creep everybody out and give us all a bad name.

Being on Facebook as a 50+ is a privilege and not a right. If you’ve been on Facebook for more than a month and you’re still:

  •  Marveling/bragging about it
  •  Poking people
  •  Complaining about the changes, as if you were an expert in the old Facebook
  •  Playing Farmville
  •  Falling for “See Who Viewed My Profile” enticements

then maybe it’s time you took my tutorial. You won’t find this at your community college adult ed class offerings. It’s only available here and is free, as long as you pay it forward and pass along these tips to someone older than you. There are a lot of old people on Facebook now, but if we all work together we can get this done.

1. Stop telling people you’re on Facebook with a shake of your head and a roll of your eyes

Say the word Facebook like you would any other word. If you over-enunciate it or say it like you hardly ever say the word, you’re marking yourself as a newbie, which is actually a fogey. Practice talking about Facebook by replacing the word Facebook with annuity. “I opened an annuity account and it’s working pretty well. I’m actually having some fun with it. It took some getting used to, but now I’m status-updating like a bitch.” Say it five times and you’ll get the gist.

2. Know your levels of dissing

There are levels of getting rid of annoying people. If their status updates are irritating or go against your political philosophy to the point where you’re starting to fantasize about a verbal confrontation with him at a face-to-face class reunion that could never happen in the real world, then you probably should hide him. No need for defriending – he might convert or somehow be useful to you and a future evil plan you may come up with. You never know. Hiding doesn’t hurt anyone and doesn’t sound any alarms.

Defriending tells the person you have no use for him now or ever. This may have to be repeated several times, since many people assume they were defriended by mistake. “Facebook messed up again! I somehow dropped off your friends list!” You can blame Facebook the first time, but subsequent defriendings require a backbone.

Blocking sends up red flags all over the cyberplace. Don’t even think about it. Blocking is for paranoid schizophrenics or people in the Witness Protection Program. If you block someone there are signs, they’ll see them, as will everyone else, and you’ll be forced to explain why you’re such a dweeb. Don’t go there.

3. There are no phones in Facebook

Don’t say, “Who do I call about this?” if you’re having problems with your Facebook account. You’ll be able to hear the cringing of 20,000 20-somethings. Facebook wonks don’t use telephones. Phones are barbaric and, frankly, an insult to the technology. And just for the record, a delayed poke is not a problem worth not calling about.

4. There’s stealing friends and then there’s stealing friends

You friend someone from high school. It’s perfectly acceptable to go look at her friends and see if there’s anyone you know from back then. It’s not perfectly acceptable to send friend requests to every person on her friends list. And on the other end, if you get a friend request from someone you don’t know and you see that you have one mutual friend, dump that jackwagon fast. He’s probably a FFC (Facebook Friend Collector) and he’s a loser or he’s running for office. He will bring nothing to your Facelife except spam, annoying surveys and boob jokes. You’re too old for that.

5. Learn to let go of your desire for privacy

If you don’t want anybody and everybody to know everything about you, then stay off Facebook. But don’t join a social networking site and then complain that people are socially networking with you. Don’t obsess over who is looking for you or who is checking you out. You put those photos of the block party on your page, what did you want to happen? If – God forbid – Facebook actually ever does allow you to see who’s “stalking” you, you may be disappointed to find that it’s no one. And stop worrying about everyone knowing your phone number and email address, because Facebook, that evil genius, revealed it without your permission. Everyone already knows your phone number and your email address. That’s why you get unwanted junk mail and solicitation calls from marketers. Embrace the intrusions.

6. Don’t fall for the obvious

Be stingy with your clicks. Just because a link starts out, “OMG!” doesn’t mean you have to go see what the fuss is about. That girl who killed herself because of a picture on Facebook? Not there. The kid whose dad beat her senseless because of a text? Doesn’t exist. And why do you want to see that anyway? Have you asked yourself that? Keep it classy, people. Some general rules to follow when faced with a link that is tempting you:

  • Who’s posting it? The guy who falls for everything and who you got a chain letter from last week? Consider the source and don’t become that guy.
  •  How many exclamation points are there in it? Is it in all caps? How many words are misspelled? These are clear indicators that you should not go near that link.
  •  Is there a baby or a dog in it? You’ve probably seen it already. Move along.

7. Learning Twitter too? Calm down.

Congratulations on being a Facebooker. And it’s admirable that you figured out Twitter, too. But you don’t need to flaunt it. Those #’s and @‘s and RTs actually mean something. Learn to use them, use them correctly, and sparingly. Because it’s only a matter of time before you’ll get busted for doing it wrong.

8. Don’t be Facebook-bullied into loving things

Many older people seem to think that if you don’t copy and paste the post on Daughter’s Week, Son’s Week, Daughter-in-Law Week, Son-in-Law Week, Sisters’ Week, Stepsons’ Week, the Pledge of Allegiance, and Proud to be a Christian, that means you don’t love your family or your country or God. Nothing bad will happen if you pass on the reposting. A quick and simple like does the trick and is effective in preventing bad things from happening to you.

9. There’s nothing you can do that can’t be undone

Everything that you put onto Facebook can be taken off of Facebook. By you. If you’ve had a little too much wine and you make an inappropriate comment (see #10 below to avoid this from happening in the first place), hover your cursor on the right top corner of your post and you’ll see a dimly lit X. Hitting that will allow you to erase that transgression. There’s no need to post 12 follow-ups to correct misspellings, and clear up double meanings.

10. Don’t be inappropriate

I know this is extremely nebulous since everyone’s standards for inappropriateness are different. The Facebook Status Update Website is no help: It advises that you should not post “anything you wouldn’t stand up on a chair and shout in the pub.” I can’t imagine what could be appropriate shouted from atop a chair in a pub. You’d obviously be very drunk if you were doing that and I don’t think there’s any question that everything you said would be inappropriate. Just think about the post for a second before you hit ‘Share.’ While you’re proofreading it (hint, hint) ask yourself, “Should I be sending this out there for my coworkers/kids’ friends/dental hygienist/junior-high boy friend to see? Take a glance over to the left and look through your featured Friends in the left margin. How will they react?

And then hit ‘Share’ anyway. You’re halfway to the grave. Live a little.

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